Shine on you Crazy Diamond

TV sometimes can suck and suck bad. Yesterday was no exception, but I luckily came across “Don’t watch that, watch this“. It was on BBC2, I think.

The tele was on, as it sometimes is, because no-one had got the guts to switch it off and do something more entertaining - like going to bed. I was staring into the void, when Sir Cliff Richard came on - normally he’s spectacularly boring (to be fair he’s like a uncle who was cool when you were a kid but you now pray never comes round to visit), however someone decided to bleep out a number of the words as he was singing, e.g. “She’s a **** woman”. At first I thought someone was making a political point about free speech - a ‘hot political topic’ recently (an oxymoron, if ever there was one) . Slowly, as I continued to watch I learned the whole point of the programme was satirical. Several dull political speeches, as well as interviews had been reedited to make the speakers look like the pumped up egos they really are. What came as supremely twisted and cruel was bleeping Cliffs lyric, “Isn’t it funny how we don’t **** any more”. To get the joke you have to understand how insipid the lyric is normally while having a mind like a sewer. That’s me all over!

Update:
Here’s a site where you can download or stream the first series.

For some years I’ve been more than impressed by the Japanese fascination for bathroom technology. Not only do their sophisticated gadgets obviate the need for toilet paper (your bum gets washed and blow-dried) after a visit the bathroom analyzes ’samples’ using lasers, collates medical information, making it able to detect early signs of certain health problems, including kidney disease and cancer. Weird, or what? I like the idea of lasers shooting out bit.

Well, the latest news is they’ve got that one step further: there’s now integrated MP3 toilet technology with detachable remote. What more could you ask for, eh? Link

Update: another great product for the bathroom.

Next time you see a French woman, high on sleeping tablets and alcohol, trying to open the emergency doors mid-flight so she can have a quick smoke outside remember in French they say, “Mon Dieu! Nooooooooooooooooooooon!”

Despite being high as a kite, wasn’t it very decent of her not to subject the other passengers to the long-term dangers of passive smoking? You got to give her that.

Many of us will have gone through a painful separation at some point or another. It can feel really good to tell friends and family exactly what a real jerk your ex was, and it’s tempting to say things that will hurt them while you’re at it. Alas, what seemed like a good idea at the time can quickly escalate into something stupid and degrading for both sides.

A recent example in the UK was of a couple who hung large banners over a busy Brighton bypass:

“Wendy, I want a divorce”. “JBS”

The reply read “No way. You are the cheat! Wendy.”

The police didn’t see the funny side of it either.

Well, the guys (I use this in the genderless sense) at ‘dontdatehimgirl.com‘ have got all organised. Now, girls (only, sadly. Although they say that boys have the right of reply. Yeah, like that would work!) can publish their stories of horror on the web, to warn other unsuspecting would-be girlfriends about the ‘bad boys’. On the face of it, it seems like a good idea, but people being people it’s sure to become a good source of entertainment. Except, that is, for the alleged ‘dirty cheating bastards’. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t find it funny and set up their own ‘We’re gonna Sue U’ site (it’s not really called that) in protest. Did the girls look worried? No, they just laugh in the nasty boys’ faces.

Here’s an interesting theory about male / female relationships, suggested by the guys at Technolotics. The gist of it is: men will sleep with just about anything that moves (add more alcohol to see the probability factor increase exponentially). Women, on the other hand, are more complicated. If you get labeled ‘friend’ early on in a relationship by a woman, yer fucked basically. Certainly worth a quick read.

Here are a few stupid and offensive cartoons. I recommend Tech Support and Unmentionable Auctions. Link

Here’s a little taster:

1 Handy dandy coaster tray!
2 Attach keys to it.
3 Put a sturdy stick on it and use it as a fly swatter.
4 Normal hockey pucks too small? Glue several AOL CDs together and you’re off!
5 Got a fussy baby? Build a AOL mobile and hang it over her crib! (Make sure too cover up the AOL logo. You wouldn’t want to traumatize the poor child; would you?)
6 Butt buffing.
7 Use a razor blade and our handy stencil to create a ninja star! Please use responsibly.
8 Smash up several CDs and use the shiny side to create an avant-garde masterpiece.
9 Mail several thousand of the CDs back to AOL Headquarters. (Make sure to ruin the CDs first, you wouldn’t want AOL mailing them out again!)
10 Tile your floor with them.

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This evening I watched a bit of Frank Skinner on TV, he’s this ‘goofy’ English guy who says, does, and sings all sort of bizarre things - in a relaxed British fashion. During an interview he commented that Americans (the ones he’s met) don’t understand the English need for social distance.¹ His guest, whose name I’ve already forgotten, agreed - she too was English. She went on to relate an encounter she had with an American woman in a bar. Seemingly this very open lady started showing this English actress her suicide scars within five minutes of meeting. The English woman was horrified, screaming politely “Back off lady”. If I were in her shoes I’d be horrified too, but I’d get drawn into the whole messy affair. I’m a sucker for that sort of thing.

Bearing in mind these cultural challenges we all face, and the fact that my readership is made up largely of an American and English audience² - I love you all - I thought you’d enjoy this site I recently discovered:

Britain for Americans.

¹ In this regard, I’ve thought of myself, for a long time, as quite Dutch. They are very direct too.
² note to self: write more about Australia, Kangaroos, Koalas, and Crocodiles. Bonzer, Bonzer, Bonzer.

Actually, I’m not vain at all. Perhaps, just a smidgen. But that doesn’t stop me from being entertained, surprised, and / or appalled by those who are. By the way, I’m still trying to find a site that answers the questions, “How big does my butt look?” but no luck so far. Maybe there’s a niche in the market I could fill. Hmm.

How Old do I Look?

Do you think I’m sexy?

I really wouldn’t know, but instead of taking speed^* while watching the latest movie just wait for the Angry Alien Production to come out. See what I mean.

^{*Don’t do this at home children.}